Double Empathy Problem/DUB-uhl EM-puh-thee PROB-lem/

The double empathy problem, identified by autistic researcher Damian Milton, revolutionizes how we understand autistic communication. It reveals that communication breakdowns between autistic and allistic people are mutual, not one-sided deficits.

Key insights:

• Bidirectional misunderstanding: Both groups struggle to read each other's social cues
• Cultural mismatch: Like any two cultures with different communication norms
• Power imbalance: Allistic communication is treated as "correct," forcing autistic adaptation
• In-group success: Autistic people communicate well with each other
• Systemic bias: Research historically only measured autistic "deficits"

This explains why:

• Autistic people seem to "lack empathy" in allistic spaces but not autistic ones
• Social skills training often increases masking without improving connection
• Autistic friendships often feel more natural than mixed ones
• Many autistic people get diagnosed after meeting other autistic people

Everyday Life Examples

The meeting misread: Sarah (autistic) shares detailed project analysis. Colleagues think she's showing off. She thinks she's being helpful. Meanwhile, when they hint at concerns through facial expressions, she misses it entirely. Both sides leave frustrated, neither understanding the other.

The friendship click: Tom struggles with friendships for 30 years. Then he joins an autistic gaming group. Suddenly, conversation flows. Nobody minds his monologues about game mechanics. Everyone speaks directly. He realizes he never lacked social skills—he lacked compatible people.

The family dinner: Emma's relatives think she's rude for not making eye contact. She thinks they're rude for demanding painful eye contact. They think she doesn't care about their small talk. She thinks they don't care about her special interests. Everyone's wrong about everyone.

Practical Strategies

For autistic people:

• Find your communication matches (often other neurodivergent folks)
• Practice "cultural code-switching" when necessary
• Explain your communication style upfront
• Use written communication when possible
• Don't internalize miscommunication as personal failure

For allistic people:

• Learn autistic communication patterns
• Ask directly instead of hinting
• Don't assume lack of eye contact means disrespect
• Value info-dumping as connection attempt
• Accept different but valid empathy expressions

For mixed groups:

• Establish explicit communication norms
• Use multiple communication channels
• Check understanding regularly
• Normalize different interaction styles
• Create translation bridges

Quick Tips

• Today: Notice when miscommunication might be mutual
• This week: Find spaces where your communication style fits
• This month: Practice explaining your communication needs
• Long-term: Build relationships with compatible communicators

The autistic community embraces double empathy as validation that:

• We're not broken, we're different
• Our communication style is valid
• Allistic people also have communication limitations
• Mutual adaptation beats one-sided conformity

This concept sparked the #ActuallyAutistic movement's push against forced neurotypical performance.

Do / Don't

Do's

• Recognize communication differences as cultural
• Expect mutual adaptation efforts
• Validate different empathy expressions
• Create neuroinclusive communication spaces
• Question whose communication is considered "normal"

Don'ts

• Don't blame only autistic people for miscommunication
• Don't assume autistic people lack empathy
• Don't force one-sided adaptation
• Don't treat allistic communication as universally correct
• Don't ignore power dynamics in communication

For Families and Caregivers

Your autistic family member isn't failing at communication—you're both struggling with translation:

• Their direct communication isn't rude
• Your hints might be genuinely invisible to them
• They show love differently, not less
• Misunderstanding goes both ways
• Meeting in the middle works better than forced compliance

Bridge the gap:

• Say what you mean explicitly
• Ask what they need directly
• Learn their communication style
• Explain your communication style
• Find compromises that work for everyone

For Schools and Workplaces

Educators: Stop teaching only autistic students to communicate "normally." Instead:

• Teach all students about communication diversity
• Explain different communication styles
• Create multiple ways to participate
• Value direct communication
• Recognize different but valid social connections

Employers: Communication differences aren't deficits:

• Written summaries help everyone
• Direct feedback prevents misunderstandings
• Multiple communication channels increase access
• Clear expectations benefit all employees
• Diverse communication styles strengthen teams

Intersectionality & Variation

• Culture: Some cultures already value direct communication
• Gender: Women face extra pressure to perform allistic empathy
• Race: BIPOC autistic people navigate multiple translation demands
• Class: Access to autistic communities varies by resources
• Age: Older adults may have internalized deficit narratives

Related Terms

• Allistic - Non-autistic people
• Neurotypical - People with typical neurology
• Masking - Hiding autistic traits to appear allistic
• Code-switching - Changing communication style by context
• Cultural neurodiversity - Framework of neurotypes as cultures